Baby Blues

When I fell pregnant with Ella I was scared but I was excited.
She wasn’t planned but I only ever had one solid ambition and that was to have a child.
When I imagined my future children I will admit I had visions of a beautiful wedding that preceeded the pregnancy but we can’t have everything! My logic was that if I decided not to have this child I may be punished later in life with infertility. Now that I am with a new partner and trying for a second child that logic really resonates.
I am into my 3rd month of trying and I’m growing increasingly concerned that it may not happen for me a second time. I’ve told myself (and my partner) that Ella is enough, I don’t NEED a second.. worst comes to worst we will adopt. I mean, that’s the same right?

Only now it’s really hitting me… If this doesn’t happen for me that’s a huge thing I have to come to terms with, I will never have that magical experience I dreamt of…a pregnancy with a man who loved me and is as excited about the baby as I am. My fiance has no children of his own and I would love nothing more than to give him a child of his own, a child we can share, I feel like it would cement our little family and I’ve never wanted Ella to be an only child.

Before we started trying I was planning multiple children… now I would be happy with just one more… JUST ONE… is it that much to ask?
I watched a video this evening where a woman found out she was pregnant, she was nervous and it was unplanned but I was so overwhelmingly happy for her. How could anyone be upset to have a baby? It’s what I want now more than anything. After watching I was compelled to take a test.. I am not due for 2 more days and have no symptoms so the chances I am pregnant are very slim, this being said I convinced myself I saw a second line… a VERY VERY VERY faint (some would say invisible) line! If you want something bad enough can you will it to happen?
In two days time I may know either way but if it is a negative I just can’t give up hope, not yet!
Until I AM pregnant I will keep you all updated on how I’m going and what different things I am trying but I hope for my sanity it’s not much longer and more than anything that it’s not impossible.

Wish Me Luck
Miss BB

1 Comment

  1. 31 August, 2010 / 11:32 pm

    Good Luck Hun, You deserve it so much, When i watch your videos, the way you involve your daughter and “have a real life” touches me. Some of the other youtube gurus just do their make up and everything, but I really like you because you seem the most Real person to me, Good luck hun and i hope it all works out.! Just think of it like this, you still have a lot of time, its not like your hitting menopause so dont worry about it. Just keep on trying x

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