I Like Me… Just As I Am

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Last year was a bit of a journey of self discovery for me. I learned a lot about myself and my relationships with other people and made a real effort to improve myself. It’s a bit of a fad this whole ‘self-improvement’ kick, isn’t it? I mean, it’s not long since New Year and so especially right now but it seems to have been a buzz-worthy topic for a while and as a self-help fanatic I was very much in to the ‘better yourself’ trend.

Then I read ‘You Do You’ by Sarah Knight and was given a fresh perspective. The book falls in to the ‘love yourself’ category and so I took it with a pinch of salt but by the end I felt conflicted. I’d been telling myself I was too loud, too obnoxious, to play down my achievements and always assume I’m annoying at least 2 people in the room but this book was telling me I was fine the way I was?

I am obsessive by nature and so whether it be a new TV show, a hobby, a recent conversation or a book, I will focus on it excessively for a time before I move on to the next. Last year I became obsessed with myself. That sounds worse than it is but I convinced myself every inch of my personality needed to be fixed and so I ran back over every interaction I had again and again wondering how I could have been different and how the other person perceived me.

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It all kicked off when I had my little ‘online crisis’. I was searching for the reason why some people seem to be an overnight success and others (me) crawl along at a snails pace. I’ve managed to avoid this feeling of ‘why don’t people like me’ for a good 10 years and so it knocked me a little and I don’t think I’m quite over it yet. The anxiety of constantly second guessing myself and my behaviour has a physical effect on me. As I type this my shoulders are numb and my chest is tight, thinking about one particular conversation.

There’s someone I know who I’ve always felt sees me as self-involved. I have basically made it my lifes work not to come across that way. I’m not sure where the initial paranoia came from, maybe someone said something to me and it stuck? Regardless, I am so obsessed by not appearing to be obsessed with myself that I essentially am obsessing over myself. Every time I see this person I find myself making endless self-depricating comments, I can’t stop them coming out and it’s all jokey in the moment but this time they weighed on me.

SELFISH DEFINITION

I hold on to comments for far longer than I should. A great example of that would be me making a jokey remark about being selfish and my husband agreeing. I would stew over that for weeks and he would have absolutely no idea he said anything to upset me. Are the other people in these encounters going away with a head full of wonder and potential regret? Do you leave a party, having had a great time and lots of fun with new people only to pick apart every conversation later?

I fall in to that odd category of extroverts who thrive on social interaction only to fall down the rabbit hole when they’re alone again. I get a little bit ‘high’ when I’m with a group of people, no alcohol/drugs necessary I’m just very loud and excitable. Someone (who I would have described as all of the above) once referred to me as a ‘hyper-active toddler’ and rather than see that as a funny thing from one loud mouth to another, it plays in my mind when I’m meeting new people and trying to keep a lid on my crazy.

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People like me do not do well with social media. We would love to post those wistful insta pics in cafe’s (I actually did this recently) but would feel like complete tw*ts if we did so (I did feel like a tw*t). We don’t think those who do are complete tw*ts but we are so wrapped up in our own neuroses that we can’t see past it. I’m trying to get over myself but unfortunately every written social interaction is like all of that lonely darkness without any of the high to bolster my confidence. I think that’s why I enjoy YouTube so much, it’s a single sided conversation that I can edit later if I feel it was a bit ‘too me’.

This took a very long and winding road off course, sorry (it was actually supposed to be about something else entirely) but once I started I couldn’t stop. Ultimately, I think I’m pretty cool the way I am. I’ve told people (out loud) that I’m not cool and I know I should change and that was wrong. I like myself, there are people who like me! I’ve told myself I’m an ‘acquired taste’ for so long that I’ve started to believe that people wont like me when they meet me. I’ve warned people ahead of meeting offline for the first time that I can be a ‘bit much’ and that I ‘will make you do karaoke’ because enough people have made off the cuff remarks (that I’m certain they thought nothing of at the time or since) and I’ve let those comments shape my opinion of myself. It’s made me oddly insecure and not want to do things that I used to enjoy. This ends now. There’s nothing wrong me, there’s probably (I mean, I’m not a doctor) nothing wrong with you and it’s about time we stopped letting other people tell us that there is.

 

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15 Comments

  1. Andrea
    8 February, 2018 / 12:05 pm

    Oh boy did this resonate with me. I am exactly like this. People tell me i am beautiful, kind,funny,awesome,loving and loads more fabulous things 99% of the time but if i hear anything remotely negative (what i perceive to be anyway) i immediately become obseSsed with that moment in time. I go over and over it until im sad.
    Im working on my self esteem and determined to stop apologising for myself.
    Xxx

    • missbudgetbeauty
      Author
      9 February, 2018 / 10:56 am

      yes!! something that should have been a fun memory is then tainted with anxiety! I hope you manage to overcome that feeling x

  2. vita
    8 February, 2018 / 12:34 pm

    ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

  3. Lindsay
    8 February, 2018 / 12:35 pm

    I think you’d be surprised by how many people will say they feel exactly the same. I certainly fall into that category. I’m not as extrovert in social situations but I come away having had a nice time then analyse everything and end up thinking it was a rubbish time and I’ve offended at least 2 people. You are not alone Mikhila. I’d personally love to do karaoke with you x

  4. Donna
    8 February, 2018 / 8:09 pm

    I personally love your YouTube channels, in fact you were the first person I subscribed too about three years ago when I discovered YouTube. I know I don’t know you personally but I enjoy the window you allow us into your world. From my perspective, your world looks pretty great and you come across as being very happy in it! As I tell my kids, let your freak flag fly. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind!

    • missbudgetbeauty
      Author
      9 February, 2018 / 10:55 am

      you are absolutely right!!!

  5. Bernadette de Massimi
    8 February, 2018 / 10:01 pm

    You are an inspiration:) x

    • missbudgetbeauty
      Author
      9 February, 2018 / 10:55 am

      thank you, Bernadette

  6. Rae
    9 February, 2018 / 6:31 am

    People often don’t like to point out other people’s good points because most people have some level of anxiety about themselves or some degree of low self esteem. This means that they imagine building others confidence will somehow downgrade theirs so they keep schtum or point out flaws which often aren’t there in the first place, or are so small they’re insignificant, just to make themselves feel better for a moment. Most people don’t even know they’re doing it. Sadly it’s a nasty part of human nature that I think we’ve all got in us. What I’m trying to say is “haters gonna hate” but there’s always way more people who love you than don’t. And don’t listen to partners/family when they make snidey comments, they don’t really mean it – you probably call your husband a knob/selfish/pain in the arse/cockwomble* when he doesn’t pick his socks up/put the loo seat down/help with the washing up/uses every damn pan in the kitchen/all of the above but it doesn’t mean you really mean it** Well, not for more than a few minutes anyway 😛

    I know you’ve got this in hand now and I hope you continue to grow in confidence because I’d love for you to realise how others see you; vibrant, beautiful, entertaining and witty. Hardworking and driven, a great mother, daughter and wife. There’s nothing wrong with you at all, I promise. In fact, I’ve been awake since three am and have just given up on trying to sleep and have crawled onto the sofa with a cuppa, thinking to myself “I know, I’ll read a bit of Mikhila’s blog, that’ll cheer me up” so you can’t be all that bad! And before you think “yeah but this is the edited, public version of me”, remember all of the people who choose to spend time with the real you just because they can.

    *Insert favourite husbandy insult here
    **Or maybe you do?! 😉

    • missbudgetbeauty
      Author
      9 February, 2018 / 10:54 am

      Well, Rae, you are just my new favourite person!

      The post was actually initially going to be about how the person I’m worried about it probably equally as worried about me so I totally agree!! We all have our hang ups and it’s made us not so great people. Hopefully the next decade will restore some balance

  7. 10 February, 2018 / 6:01 pm

    As a long time reader of your blog and watcher of your Youtube I like you just how you are as well. You’re a real person everyone has ups and downs and positive and negative things about their personality and there’s nothing wrong with that! Don’t forget perfection isn’t attainable and no matter how you try to be there will always be someone who won’t like your or complain so do what makes you happy the rest will follow 🙂

  8. Genuflected
    14 February, 2018 / 9:22 am

    Also, don’t try to be smartarsed or jokey rude or overfamiliar – I absolutely get the urge to hide your nervousness behind a facade of convivial ribbing or a witty remark, but you really don’t need to do it.

  9. 17 February, 2018 / 9:39 am

    I can completely relate to everything you have said here. I have an obsessive personality and will over analyse things constantly. It has took me 37 years to realise it’s ok to be myself and accept it. I am loud, goofy and paranoid, it’s ok just to be me. Social media has pushed us into the comparison trap more than ever, I remember getting really upset when a makeup picture didn’t get any likes on Facebook, now I’m trying not to focus on numbers but it’s a hard journey

  10. Kayleigh Reardon
    31 March, 2018 / 9:31 pm

    I love this! I’m exactly the same. I thought because I don’t have a huge amount of friends that there was something wrong with me. Always trying to behave a certain way, second guess what people were thinking of me.

    • missbudgetbeauty
      Author
      4 April, 2018 / 2:18 pm

      I was with some good friends at the weekend and got very drunk and although I am not at all nervous about what they’d think of me it has still played on my mind. It think it’s just something that will always be a part of me

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