Marriage Isn’t Easy


Is this the state the bloody obvious game? No, but the season of love is upon us and I’m here to tell you that if you aren’t in a happy place it can be rough.

Everybody knows that couples fight, it’s perfectly normal to disagree, yada yada but when you’re going through a hard time when the rest of the world is sunshine and rainbows it can feel really lonely. This time last year we had just moved in to a new house with my parents and the gravity of what we’d decided to do had hit us like a truck. There were plenty of issues we’d anticipated that (even a year on) ended up not being a problem and tiny things we hadn’t that were a real sruggle. Moving your established little family in with your parents/in laws is not an easy move. We all had our reasons (that’s another post) and so we were kind of batting away the niggles ahead of time telling ourselves (and each other) that it would be fine but those early days? Yeesh!

With 4 totally different (though some would say my Dad and I are similar in temperament) adult personalities living under one roof it was quite the psychology lesson for this people watcher. I noticed our dynamic change considerably but also how each person dealt with their individual grievances. We weren’t communicating and so some would huff and puff, others would retreat, I would cry in the bathroom. It took a good 6 months (9 if I’m honest) before Lee and I really started talking through our problems. The living arrangement brought out major control issues for him that he’d previously managed to keep under wraps and it became obvious that my flippant, laid back vibe was masking some serious anxiety. Effectively, when he felt out of control he shut down and when I couldn’t fix the problems I smiled until my face hurt.. then cried some more.

What scared me the most was that after almost 10 years together there was so much I didn’t know about my husband. So many facets of his personality that I was still yet to see. What if this decision changed him beyond recognition. Worse still, what if I had? Can you see how I might have been anxious? I’m an overthinker, I would lay in bed, absolutely bereft for the future I thought I might not have and for a relationship I desperately wanted to hold on to that I wasn’t sure was still there.


The big problem was that we’d never really fought before. We fight in a very different way, he’s insular and will sulk (scorpio) whereas I want to argue (aquarius). So in the past things had fizzled out quickly and no issue was large enough to hang around. This time the issue wasn’t going away but we weren’t adept at conflict. We didn’t know how to argue effectively and so a resolution seemed absolutely impossible.

I’ve been through a divorce before and it was hard but it didn’t feel like this. I was conflicted because of the picture perfect family I’d imagined for myself but not about the relationship. This felt very different, divorce is easy when you want a divorce, we were fighting because neither of us wanted that. Once it came to a question of in or out the answer seemed simple, ‘choose happiness’.. only it’s not actually that easy.

Lee felt as though he was screaming in to the abyss because at every turn I’d stonewall him with ‘everything’s fine’ ‘positive vibes’ ‘negativity is toxic’ blah blah blah. In a bid to think myself happy I had basically become a pod person. I couldn’t handle real emotions so I became a human embodiment of those cringe-worthy instagram accounts that make you feel like you are not living your best life. I was angry that Lee wasn’t ‘trying’ but I wasn’t thinking about what he needed from me. He needed me to let him vent and be annoyed and I would evade (imagine wonder womans armoured cuffs) every negative comment with a positive one. That wasn’t a discussion, if anything it was a negotiation with zero give on either side.


It’s hard to be objective about your own relationship because you usually only see it from one side but something switched a few months ago and things started to get better. I’m not saying the entire year was terrible but we were under a pretty dark cloud for a while and it seems to be finally clearing.

I’m sharing this because 12 months ago things felt like the absolute worst. At a time when we were celebrating multiple ‘holidays’ (anniversary, birthday, valentines) and surrounded by vomit inducing displays of affection (thanks, social media – I look forward to joining that dark side again soon) I just felt so low. I know I’m not alone in my experience because what helped me more than anything was friends sharing their stories with me about less than loved up times with their significants others. It’s considerably more candid that I tend to be but if I can help someone feel like there might be a light at the end of the tunnel it will have been worth opening up.

Apologies in advance for your February 14th instagram feed but remember, they’re just pictures. They don’t show you what’s really going on and they should never make you feel ‘less than’



  1. Nafisah Atcha
    13 February, 2018 / 7:30 am

    Thank you for being so open and sharing this. I think it is an important thing to talk about.

  2. Lindsay Thomas
    13 February, 2018 / 10:35 am

    Refreshingly honest. Thank you for opening up about your struggles. I sometimes feel like this too. I don’t tend to bottle things up but I do feel like I’m talking to a brick wall with my husband a lot of the time. But I know that we love each other, he just likes to wind me up cos he’s a bugger and likes to see how far he can take it before I have a tantrum like my 4 year old! Always an ear if you ever need to talk Khila xxx

  3. Melissa
    13 February, 2018 / 10:59 am

    First of all I’m sorry for the struggles you and Lee have faced, 2nd of all I think a lot of it is “normal” to some degree!
    Our back story….. we have been together since 1995 and it’s not always been easy! The long and short of it is we had 6 kids (his 3 my 1 then we added my niece and a couple years later our son….. oh well and his ex wife who was a pain in my ass for years ! On top of all that we live with his mom due to financial reasons and it was hard! I honestly hated his mom at times and it seemed times he would take her side which he wasn’t in reality but it felt like that! I thought we would be better off apart but kids money, parents wnd his crazy were not going to win! We would win! There were times we didn’t communicate, we pretty much just exsisted we were losing ourselves ! He pushed it all down and would play with the kids or play video games while I would cry! Then one day we realized this we were worth fighting for! We sat down and talked forced ourselves to open up and at the end of the day we started to find each other ! We started to take walks every night and have us time and after a while we were more in love than ever beforehand ! Now several years later we have found ourselves back with my mother in law but this time not because of money but because of her health and my husband is an only child we haven’t nissed a beat we are still doing great not a second of issues we no longer argue because it’s stupid we support each other and respect each other we sommunicate and we appreciate one another! Nothing broke us ! There is hope it just takes work! Some say raising kids is the hardest job but it’s not nothing is hard or impossible with a great partner! Just never lose sight of why your are together in the first place! We started writing love letters back when we were at the make of break and today we still do that! We don’t celebrate love in valentines or sweetest day we celebrate it everyday! You guys can do this and come out stronger! ❤️

  4. Kay dutton
    13 February, 2018 / 11:00 am

    I’ve followed you for a few years and although I’m 52 I can slightly relate. Keep doing what you do best and hopefully things will continue to improve xxx

  5. 13 February, 2018 / 12:10 pm

    Thanks for this. We always see an edited version of other people’s lives on social media. I think most couples experience patches like this. My husband and I went through a similar stage after we had our daughter. We had no time for each other, we were both sleep deprived and harboured a lot of resentment for each other because I was at home and he was at work. We had forgotten the fun parts of our relationship. It’s still not like it used to be because obviously with a child our dynamic has changed somewhat, but we try to make the most of the time we have together. The best thing we have learned is to be honest with each other and try to talk about things when they crop up instead of burying issues under the carpet. Thanks for being so open about your relationship. More of us need to be, as so many people feel so alone and think it’s only them going through these issues.

  6. Emma Ward
    13 February, 2018 / 5:40 pm

    I appreciate your honestly. I have been with my other half for a 11 years, his previously been divorced. We been living with my parents for some years now, it gets tough when you are so used to doing things your way, especially for my other half is a creature of habits. He very much shuts down when something is bothering him, and in the past I would get annoyed over that. It took time to learn the best way for us to deal with our problems and finding some quality time together, which can be difficult in a full house. I xan relate to your post, thank you for sharing.

  7. Tahira
    14 February, 2018 / 10:33 am

    Khila, I’ve followed your blog and Youtube channel for years and always been a silent viewer/reader but i’m so glad you were able to share your marriage struggles with your readers. It shows great strength and it makes me admire you even more.

    The main reason for commenting was to share a video that i watched the other day that my boyfriend shared with me, which really made me start to see things differently about relationships and love and thought it might be helpful to you too 🙂 (PS it definitely is worth the 22 minute watch!)

    Tahira x

  8. Sian
    14 February, 2018 / 1:32 pm

    Thank you for this. I went through the same thing last year and we broke up for 4 months. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Now we are trying to talk things through it’s just hard as I don’t open up easily. I love your honesty it’s refreshing.

  9. Marie Medler
    14 February, 2018 / 4:08 pm

    Great post, and I love that you’ve been so open and honest!

  10. Steph
    15 February, 2018 / 10:44 pm

    Wow this is why I & I’m assuming many others stay true to you & your context – similar age & similar ‘real life’ problems/situations!!! Guess what – sh*t happens & glossy beauty influencers like Tati don’t give us comfort at the end of the day!! You & honest you tubers like Mallory1712 & emilynoel83 make my problems seem like piss in the wind!!! Keep it up M we love you (& yes the makeup revolution concealer is amazing let’s hope they imitate with a shape tape dupe foundation but in a *few* more shades 😉 ) xxx

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