I found these pictures in a forgotten folder from last months visit down south to see Emma. I meant to post them when I got back but they slipped my mind and now I'm looking at them I'm wondering whether that was my subconscious thinking it knew best.While I don't see myself as overweight (I'm probably average at a size 12) the older I get the heavier I seem to be on top. My shoulders are broader, my waist is thicker but my hips seem to be shrinking, is that even possible?? I've never cared about dress size, long ago accepted my post c-section tummy and that I'm not prepared to put in the hours at the gym that real change would require but I do occasionally see a photo pf myself and think, 'should I be wearing that?'

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I'm not an 'if you love something, wear it' kind of person either, I do think about what flatters my shape and so when I do have those moments they usually lead me down the path of diet and exercise for a spell. Not the worst reaction I could have, probably a healthy one for my body but with my holiday coming up very soon it's not the best for my mind. I graduated to a one piece a couple of years ago after deciding that months of agonising over getting my belly out in a bikini was crazy but still every time it rolls around I think 'maybe this year I'll try again'. Isn't that madness?

I feel like I'm slowly accepting things about myself that I could feasibly change and every year there's a little more work to do that I sweep under the rug. I'd love to make this a super body positive post and say 'but you know what? I don't care! I'll wear what I like!' but I do care. I care a lot. Every few months I think 'ok, I'm going to start eating better' or 'drinking less' and then I go out for dinner with friends and think 'fuck it!' .. and slowly, slowly weight creeps on.

My horizontal obsession isn't just with stripes, I'm lazy. I'm an indoor 'no, you go without me' girl and just a little extra movement and a few less takeaways could be all it takes at this stage in the game. I didn't write this as a jumping off point to tell you 'so I'm going to do XYZ' and you can follow my progress, I literally just found these pictures and thought 'is it time to hang up the stripes?'. I know it's so uncool to say that in 2017 and if you're happy with yourself as you are then great but I'm here to tell you that I don't want to be.

To clarify, I don't hate these photos, I don't hate my body and I will wear this outfit again. What's probably a more accurate description of how I'm feeling about my body lately is, old. It's not performing in the same way it once did (I was never in the circus but now I definitely couldn't be) and part of my 'crisis' is quite possibly that I'm not as young as I once was. For someone who has revelled in being told they don't look their age for the last 10 years, it's a tough pill to swallow when you start to feel it. I'm sure I'm not alone in wanting to feel body confident while also wanting to *whispers*  improve themselves. I accept the things I cannot change, I will never have washboard abs (I never had washboard abs) but at 31 I might need to finally stop eating like a teenager and start using that gym membership again.

..but you'll never get my stripes