Now I’m in my late 30s, I feel like I hear the ‘to have or not to have’ argument for kids on a daily basis. Whether IRL or in my algorithm bubble, it’s a constant ticking clock for a lot of women my age. My first pregnancy was early and unplanned, so I was never faced with the should we/shouldn’t we dilemma. That said, I can absolutely appreciate why someone would be completely uninterested in having children. After the cute baby phase, they’re a tough sell.

What I have noticed is that people really only talk about having KIDS.. rarely the concept of raising future adult relatives. Little kids are HARD WORK. I would never tell someone ‘oh you have to do it, you’re missing out’ because honestly, I don’t know that you are. It’s a daily slog and if you have an age gap, like I did, it can take up a huge chunk of those youthful years you’d rather spend doing literally anything else. Even if you aren’t physically there, you’re always worried about them and I couldn’t - in good faith - say to someone who was on the fence (and had ASKED - people do not want unsolicited opinions about their choice to procreate. Ever) that they would love raising a child.. they very well might not.

My kids are 18 and 12 and I feel like I’m through to the other side. Once the youngest leaves school and gets a job (in my experience the getting a job bit is essential to the mental load being lifted) I may feel so light after so long, I could float away.. but what happens when they leave? I remember my Mum saying, when I moved out and got married, she put me in a box. She didn’t have to worry about me any more. When I left my husband she had to take me out of that box. Your kids are a job for life. Sometimes they will require more from you and sometimes you can put them in a box and assume they’re doing ok but even the best compartmentalisers among us (me) will probably live with a low level worry about them for the rest of our lives. It’s like the anaology of your kids being a heart outside of your body.. then one day they take the heart and you can’t see what’s happening to it but you can somehow still feel it beating.

A friend of mine said she’d like an Ella but not the 18 years it took to get there and that’s so perfect, I’m stealing it. I know I’d love to have another baby IN THEORY but now I’ve played through one childhood, I realise I don’t want 3 adult children. I have a greater appreciation now for the impact beyond those early years and my mental capacity would be stretched by another 30% for the rest of my life if I had a third heart out in the world. I’m so lucky to have the two I do. You never know who they will grow up to be and I have no expectations for their lives whotsoever but my kids are people I want to spend time with and I hope they feel the same way about me.

All you can do is enjoy the time you have with them, try not to have too many arguments over things that really don’t matter and hope that by the time they’re building their own lives, they want you to be part of it. What a trip that is. If you were selling parenthood, well.. how could you sell parenthood? It’s the best, worst thing you can do with your life and it yields no guaranteed future health or happiness. Oh, and if your adult child invites you to do something because none of her friends want to, you’ll probably cry.