Is This Depression?

I’ve always enjoyed a period of daily vlogging. It’s a fun challenge, I feel really connected to my audience while I’m doing it and at the end I feel a genuine sense of achievement over something that, let’s be real, isn’t THAT taxing.

Well, it’s not physically taxing but.. mentally? I tend to do this once or twice a year usually but having daily vlogged for 3 of the past 5 months, I can definitely see a pattern emerging. I’m more aware of myself. I’ve said before that vlogs feel like video journalling for me and sometimes talking through an issue or problem out loud to a camera is genuinely helpful. Of course it also leaves me vulnerable and opens up the gates to anyone who might want to offer advice, suggest I get blood work (more common than you’d think) or diagnose me with a disorder.

It’s a bit of a cycle because let’s say on day 2 I tell you ‘I’m not feeling great today’, by day 7 I’m still seeing residual comments about day 2 and perhaps mentioning/responding in a vlog which extends the topic.. forever?

This is assuming its ‘just a bit of a low’ which is entirely normal and what put me off seeing a doctor about my (as yet undiagnosed) ADHD for so long.. but what if it’s not? Recently I’ve been sharing a little more of my world and the way I live, partially because I want to put myself out there in the most authentic way possible. I want other people to feel less ‘crazy’ when they see someone else do the things they do amidst the social media perfection, but mostly, I’m tired of keeping up any kind of facade. Is this age? Perhaps but whatever it is, it’s allowed you just that little extra glimpse in to my mind and it’s invited.. questions.

This week someone asked if I might be suffering from clinical depression. Well, Sue (not her real name) that is what I was diagnosed with and medicated for but I don’t believe that’s the source. I think the depression is a by-product of untreated ADHD which (if the waiting lists are to be believed) I may be living with for MANY more years unless I’m prepared to fork out thousands of pounds for private health. That said, I have been struggling and it doesn’t feel like my usual brand of ‘sustainable struggle’, this is different.

I’ve been busy, lots of plates in the air and all that but I’ve reached a level of overwhelm where I’d quite like to be alone in a room for a week. Noise is pushing me over the edge, almost to the point of tears and someone entering a room I’m in can make me want to scream. What do you call that? High level something, it feels like, whatever it is.

I do have more things to do than time to do them in currently so I’m pushing it all down and telling myself it will be ‘better in May’. Things will always be ‘better when..’ wont they? I don’t know if they will but if I tick as many things as I can off my list by month end, I will have a better chance of making it so. I tidied everywhere yesterday hoping that today I would feel calmer and more in control but I’m sitting here now, the house just as chaotic as before because I’ve been filming and cooking and candle making and I feel.. underwater, as if nothing can ever possibly be enough to stay afloat. The only way to live is to sink, manically push your way back to the surface and repeat til bedtime.

Something I suspect has given more oxygen to this feeling recently is hearing that the NHS waiting list for adult ADHD assessments is not 4 years (as I’d originally thought) but SEVEN. The idea that I could have to wait so long just to feel validated in my own psyche is in itself A LOT. Even if I’m not medicated, just being assessed and told ‘you aren’t terrible, your brain does work differently’ would give me such relief. It feels impossible to feel so broken and know there’s a potential fix but to have to wait so long to even have a conversation about it.. that is real scream-into-a-pillow stuff.

Of course the doctor could have been right all along, I could just be run of the mill depressed. I just need to find the right pill and everything will be fine. In the meantime I will continue to share the journey through the fog because if it hadn’t been for other women sharing their own, I would feel really alone in this. It’s hard enough to be heard for obvious physical ailments but mental health feels like a battle against the people who are there to help us.

Also, if I do make that private appointment, I will take a list of the things you’ve diagnosed me with over the years (most recently a lot of Ehlers Danlos) and let you know who wins!

*I do feel I should add a disclaimer for anyone who may be concerned when I share things like this that I have never had any ideations of self harm.