The Blame Game
I don’t know what instagram knows about me but its algorithm constantly feeds me self help and a lot of it centres around family dynamics. I love a good development book as much as the next girl but some of the stuff I’m fed leads to the most toxic comment sections you ever did see. These are the people who could do with picking up a book.
To pick a topic that comes up a lot: ‘If you don’t work at a relationship with your child, your won’t have one with them when they’re an adult’
I’m sure you can guess but the comments are flooded with mothers (and the occasional father) saying they haven’t seen their children (usually sons) for years, have never met their grandchildren and that they are personally offended by the insinuation that this is their fault. They are usually blaming the husband or wife for blocking their child from having contact and they come together, bolstering each other in agreement. They’ve done nothing wrong and life isn’t fair.
I just saw a clip of Drew Barrymore talking about her Mom (read her book, it’s fascinating) and she said she doesn’t like to play the blame game. She doesn’t blame her mother for how she was raised or that she had to raise herself, she isn’t interested in that narrative. In her book she elaborates on their dynamic and it really spoke to me. My family is fractured in many places. We have family we don’t see or speak to, we have relatives who died before peace could be made. I have my own issues with my parents - everyone does - and at my lowest points it would be easy to reframe everything and blame the family who hurt me.. but to what end?
This goes for friends, for partners, for children.. all relationships.
You have to make a choice for yourself. Do you want this person in your life or not? I’m speaking as someone who has experienced no contact to the bitter end so this isn’t all that hypothetical for me. I’m not judging you if you decide blood isn’t thicker after all, just because you’re related, you don’t have to maintain relationships that you don’t want. What I’m asking you to ask yourself is - do you want this person in your life? No isn’t the hardest answer to deal with. You will always wonder ‘what if'?’ and ‘did I make the right call?’ but If you’ve really played this out, you’ll know that you did. There’s someone I can think of who I know would add nothing to my life and who I wouldn’t want to meet my children. I miss them. I miss memories I have of them.. but other memories are still clear enough for me to not question the decision to remain no contact.
If the answer to your questions is YES, however, that’s a trickier path. Chances are, they are not going to give you the closure you need on the issues you have - otherwise you’d be able to work through this together and you wouldn’t have come to this point. If you are dealing with someone who you know will never cop to their part but you also want a relationship with, you have to forgive. You might disagree but I’m only thinking of you here. You are never going to get what you need from them so you have to let it go in order to keep that relationship. Maybe that means you also let go of the meaningful connection you thought you’d have, maybe now it’s just a surface level relationship.. but you have to do what you have to do to protect your heart.
If you hold on to your grievances, only you will be hurt, I’ve been there. They hover like a cloud, they stab you with a bit of anxiety every time you think of that person.. and when you see them.. well it’d only a matter of time til they make it to your mouth. It’s upsetting when you realise someone that you love will never be who you want them to be but holding blame is like the old adage, drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. They don’t think they did anything wrong, they don’t blame themselves and they aren’t thinking about it. Let it go.