Has anyone else had a rough one this week?
I don’t know if it’s the weather or what but I had a headache for at least 70% of it and generally felt a little ‘under a cloud’. I’m not typically an anxious person but I do have flashes of major paranoia and worry after social events and ,after having over some friends on Friday night, and have felt really uneasy ever since. It’s seemed worse than my usual post social stress and I’m wondering if it’s just the week.
I know I spoke a little about my relationship with alcohol when I wrote about my almost Dry January but this weekend I think I’ve reached a conclusion. I have no problem with my glass of wine in the evening or drinking with dinner and, 9 times out of 10, when I’m out in the world I know my limits but on that rare occasion when I can’t remember going to bed, I panic. I know, for example, that this last time I was home and perfectly safe. I know that nobody fell out with anybody and everyone was fine the next day.. and yet the knowledge that I let myself get out of control/can’t remember sections of the evening – it eats away at me.
It feels a lot like shame and I don’t like it.
I will fight for anyones right to party on any day of the week but given that I am partial to these anxious thoughts after social situations even when I’m sober.. I really need to get a handle on myself if there’s alcohol involved. I’m actually starting to dread plans I’ve made because I’m worried I’ll be too loud or say something I shouldn’t. I need to make a change.
I’m writing about this mainly because it’s really been bothering me but also because I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. I’ve always denied the social pressure because I could absolutely go out without drinking but if you are drinking.. it’s hard to explain why you want to stop after so many. That’s when you ask for a coke and it’s a vodka & coke or you ask for water and they refill your wine glass.
When everyone’s having a good time nobody wants a debbie downer reminding them they may have had their fill by explaining why they’re switching to soda, but that’s what I have to do.
Hangovers only get worse with age and now my kids are getting older, I feel less and less comfortable with the message my being ‘ill’ the morning after is sending. My husband doesn’t drink (I mean rarely) and so my son thinks only mummies drink and I can’t lie.. that’s a bit of a trigger for me. It makes me feel like he will remember me with a glass in my hand and I’d rather that not be the case.
..but again, this is that nagging angst inside me, creating mountains from mole hills and making me doubt every choice and interaction. I’m going to limit my intake in general but especially in social settings. I prefer to have my wits about me and (although I make zero judgements about anyone elses habits) it just doesn’t make me feel good.
Perhaps it’s time to realise that alcohol is not my friend.